But there are a few things going amiss here and there; co-ordinating my sleep time and my external hard drive not being recognised anymore to name a couple.
Study is... ok, I think I gotta work on getting my procrastination back down again. Monitoring my interent usage could be a factor. And then there's the jeans...
And then I'm depressed.
Why am I depressed? Because I'm disappointed.
Why am I disappointed? I am disappointed because there are growing concerns that my family is moving apart. And not in the sense that I'll be leaving home (or not) after graduating university in a few years. I'm talking about the internal conflict that started after two sides didn't meet eye to eye all of a sudden.
Over 4 years ago there was a group of half a dozen people that cared and loved each other, regardless of their thoughts on any topic. Since that time there have been people coming in, going out, both in and out; each new person was welcomed into the group with no prior judgement.
Now that I am the age I am I understand that my childhood impression of the wide world is indeed false; not everyone can get along all the time. Whether it be two siblings, two families, two regilions or two nations; it seems like human nature to assert dominance, and to assure oneself that their own perception of any argument is the only true and viable solution.
I do not like being stressed, or part of anything I have no part in. My own personality dislikes being accused of something I did not do; it is too unlike me to be punished for anything, although people make mistakes and I will admit some things that I do I should not do. But if ever accused for something I didn't, I cannot admit defeat, for I feel that is injust.
It seems to be a major flaw in the human social system - the invention of lying. It all comes down to trust. If we can all trust one another, we would no longer need to decieve others. However that never seems to be the case with two arguing sides.
I feel like I am part of this fight now; the problem is, both sides want me on their side. And it is just unfortunate that I cannot choose both, however hard I try. The problem is that whatever I say to one side has to be avoided to pass over to the other - as I am part of both sides, it is hard to converse between the two, which turns into lying about things, which turns into mistrust, which turns into accusations, which turns into stress. All of which I cannot cope with.
Since a certain incident 4 years ago there are now two sides to my family. Being part of both of them I know there are assumptions on both sides of the fence about the other side that are not true. I also know that both sides want to make agreements, however both sides seem to think the opposite wants no part, which is also not true.
What sickens me the most is that a promise was made to forget the entire argument. But we all know how that went. It's gone and bubbled itself back up to the surface a year later. So much good that did.
A certain child I know wanted her separated parents, and only her parents to come together for lunch on her birthday. That wish wasn't granted. Sure she sees both parents regularly; but it only took one of them to deny them coming together, on just one day, as if the separation was just an imaginary figment.
It's the way agreements work; it never works in one direction.
So to both sides I say this: Forget what was done in the past. If we are all to be one family, we need to ensure there is no hatred or critical assumptions between two sides.
All I ask is that I no longer have to be a mediator between the two.
All I ask is that I no longer have to worry about two sides visiting on the same day.
All I ask is that you could both come up on my birthday.
All I ask is that you don't wait for the other side to apologise.
It doesn't matter who first started a war, what matters is who decides to end it.
The Weekend Watch
I leave you with something lighter; the evolution of dance.
No comments:
Post a Comment